miss_ljv

Even though I was super tired and sore from ITG last night, I needed to go to yoga for sure today. So I got up and headed to yoga at 9:30. I was super crabby, as I usually am when my body is still exhausted/not recovered from the day before. There were two older ladies (like, 60s for sure) who were super good at everything. This class was with a teacher I’m not familiar with, Becka, and I think it’s the kind of class that Haley loves - constant movement and like a thousand chaturangas. I would not stop dripping waterfalls of sweat and I appeared to be the only one lol. I wasn’t the only one getting tired by any means, but god do I sweat so much. During the lame ab work that I can’t do anyway because of my spine curve, I just swayed my legs back and forth. I did appreciate the challenging poses Becka made us try, such as 8-angle pose (astavakrasana).

After yoga I went home and showered quick before heading out to meet Steve for lunch. I was super hungry from not having eaten plus the yoga, so when we got to Jamba Juice, I decided to order a smoothie bowl for more substance. While we were eating/drinking, we sat in this random courtyard at the U of MN and did a couple raids in Pokémon Go and chatting about Steve’s day. And of course, because the world is weird and small, we ran into my old coworker Janice from Nokomis, the speech pathologist. She was apparently there with her daughter. We talked awkwardly for a minute and then she sat by herself and we sat across the courtyard. lol. I was there to hang out with Steve!!!!

When Steve went back to work and I went home, I was just waiting for him to come home. I ended up napping for a couple hours until he got back, and he was self-proclaimed crabby and I was worried about him! I tried to make him feel better with low to mixed success, and he decided to play a bit of ITG while I knitted and watched Parks and Rec. He had an okay day... at the very least he got some exercise in, which was good.

Nick came over soon after he finished playing and showering, and we went to pick up Naf Naf. I had eaten my leftovers from Olive Garden so I didn’t get anything. I spent the rest of the night finishing my sock #1 with the Totoro colorway, and I’m so excited to get started on the second one. It fits perfectly and looks so cute! Pics when I finish the second one. During that time, Steve finished Yakuza Kiwami and it was amazing. A+ game. The second one comes out at the end of the month, and Steve will def get it right away.

Sleep was difficult again, tossing and turning for hours, super anxious.

Friday was a really chill day at Parkway - Tealie and I had the kids work some more on their work before taking them outside and that was really fun. We chatted a lot about jobs and life, and Andy and Todd also talked to me about jobs. I had forwarded them all an email from the SpEd supervisor, Julie, in the district I'm moving to, and also to Jan (but Jan said she couldn't leave St. Paul). Andy contacted Julie and he wasn't sure he'd fit in because he wants and ASD-exclusive program, not cross-categorical, but on Friday he said he found out the assistant principal at my school is an old colleague of his, so he plans on contacting him to get the scoop. Todd had initially thanked me for sending the info but thought he definitely wouldn't leave... and by Friday he was like "I'm calling her today on my prep." I teased him and said "Hey, there's another opening at Maplewood Middle and I'm pretty sure it's for reading support... wanna be a team again next year?!" Personally I think Todd and I make really good counterparts to each other and we're both hard-asses with high expectations but also have the ability to connect with the kids and loosen up. I legit would love to be a team next year if he could swing it.

Oh, speaking of loosening up-


lollll "They can actually take jokes." Natalie is a Hmong student with a non-montessori background who has done so well in our class this year. I love her.

2nd block we went outside because it was Fun Friday. The first group was chill, I sat on a bench across from DQ, who spent the entire 20 minutes or so yelling "help" for his own entertainment and to annoy Chanel I'm pretty sure. Chanel is good with consistency but god does she talk too much to kids when they're trying to get negative attention. I thought DQ was being kind of funny, and his yelling was just silly. Like he does things to purposely upset her even if he has a consequence. For example, the other week he refused to pick up a waterbottle he left on the ground before we went in, because SHE told him he needed to, and mentioned like a thousand times he was gonna go to Reset if he didn't. This week he ate two bags fruit snacks and dropped the wrappers on the ground, and I reminded him that those needed to be thrown away. He did the "what wrappers?!" thing and covered them with his feet. While Chanel would say something in a serious tone and threaten reset, he and I bantered back and forth about the crazy disappearance of bright pink wrappers, and I said to just not let them blow away before we went in. And then he picked them up without me asking him to when we left. Part of it is he can obviously get a reaction/attention/verbiage out of her, and I think with me part of it for most kids is that I just kind of make it clear what my expectation is with the tone of "I know you'll do what is needed and I'm gonna just leave it at that" - like, they're old enough to know what to do and I trust they'll do it. (And of course when they DON'T, I'm very much like, "Ooookayyyyy then, that sucks but I'm still not mad here's the consequence you knew was coming"). Anyway, in my second group only Dyshawn wanted to go outside and he asked if he could bring a friend so we grabbed Dacarie, and Tealie's class was outside too so we got to talk some more!

Tealie and I have gotten a lot closer this year, and we got pretty close last year even though we didn't work together. Our first year together we spent a lot of time stepping around each other and had a couple of tense weeks where we weren't talking things through, and then our second year we were much better but still had some tense moments. Working with Brian changed Tealie's attitude, and this year we've been REALLY chill and not taken things too seriously, and now that she's got all of her curriculum down she's not spending the time she was with planning and creating the same way she was before. We also received a lot of mixed messages about our roles in the classroom during our first two years, and with more clear expectations, we are much calmer. Also maybe with Anna gone - her previous work best friend (they're still very close outside of work and I think they're connected by a marriage in their families or something) - she feels more free to hang out with me. I was worried for a bit because she and Steph were teacher leaders at CMStep in Cincinnati last summer and are still helping out with that, that I'd get pushed out because Steph is so needy, but after the first couple of months and things settled, Tealie still prefers my attitude to Steph's generally. I'm really gonna miss her, we always referred to each other as the "dream team" even when I was teaching with Jenny Madden and she was teaching with Brian. I have a feeling though we'll stay in touch and hang out more outside of work instead!

At Nokomis I spent the afternoon testing a couple kids, one for a complicated initial eval. He got into a car accident a couple of years ago and has a diagnosis of TBI. From an academic standpoint, he's doing just fine. He's personable, conversational, and quick. On reading he stuttered frequently over words which is not a part of his speech patterns. I have some more testing to do on him next week. He seems like a huge sweetheart. I met with my special ed lead for Nokomis, Shannon, and asked her to do some observations and a parent interview for him (I like observations but they take time and I HATE interviews). Yay! I also sent home some forms for his family to fill out.

This weekend is Gamer Weekend aka picking up Noah. i came home to a sleeping Steve and cuddled into him and watched Hearthstone while he napped and I unsuccessfully tried to nap. I woke him up at 4 and we headed down to Fairbault. We hit some random annoying traffic beginning in Burnsville whichslowed us way down, but otherwise it was good. I finished most of one of my mom's gloves - got the ends weaved in (or knotted when I got sick of it) and the bulk of the second one done too. Driving down with Steve was cute and I love spending time with him. We had to go straight back home because I had plans to see my dearest Breanna!

At nick's suggestion we met at a place called Pinstripes. It's in a rich city that's about halfway between our houses. Meals are $15-25 and drinks are an average of $11 per. Bre really wanted to walk around the lake/park and I was in my wedges, but two drinks was the perfect amount to distract me from any pain I might have encountered while walking. Mostly we talked about our various lives - catching up on her nursing school stuff, my work, her moving back with Lamin now that she's finished studying, updating on her parents (back in love) and aunt (enabling) and cousin (alcoholic + meth) and brother (still mentally ill and just moved back home) and our mutual friends (off and on with Holly and about to take a trip with her, off with Lindsey), making up with Hannah, Gleb's sister just had a baby, and random high school peeps. For my part I didn't really talk all that much other than about my family and Steve, and work and summer, and offering opinions or asking questions (talked about being off birth control, asked about her plans for kids etc.).

We walked and talked or sat in the gorgeous park for most of the night, with me sending pics and updates to Steve, as I think this was the first time I was out alone for so long since Feb and I didn't want him to worry about me. Bre commented a couple of times about my texting him, but I just told her he missed me. She was okay with that.

At midnight the park and restaurant closed so we headed out. It was really good seeing her, and I'd like to spend more time with her in the future. In a dinner-like or relaxed even capacity though, not on the daily. I'm too much of a loner for a lot of hangouts, like she and Holly are going on TWO camping trips over the next month. Not the thing for me! Only if I'm with Steve basically am I okay with that at this point. lol.

Came home and hung out with Steve and Noah for a bit but I was SO TIRED. So bedtime it is.

I have some big news pending, but I don't want to say anything unless it's for sure. Suffice to say, fingers crossed and I hope to be able to share it with you soon! Well, I will either way but let's hope it all works out!

Steve and I reviewed our finances and noticed that we spend a horrendous amount of money per month on eating out, followed by things like coffee, jamba juice, etc. So we sat down with Paul and worked out our budget, and we're trying to stick by that now - including an "allowance." It should really help us with saving more money, and on not gaining unnecessary pounds with fatty foods!

I beat Bayonetta last weekend, and I've been replaying it on one difficulty level harder, and I've gotten so good at it, getting trophies left and right! It's a fantastic game.

Sooo, I'm reading this book based on the incredibly terrifying and gruesome Hi-Fi Murders. Steve says I'm morbid. I know I am. When I was in 11th grade and had to find a skeleton picture as the cover of my Shakespeare reviews or whatever, I spent hours discovering gory death pictures after that was the majority of search results. I haunted my dreams with awful ways people look after being murdered or committing suicide. The Hi-Fi murders are particularly horrible because they were planned deaths of random people. That is, the primary killer decided that he would horrifically murder anyone present during the robbery of an electronics store. The book is non-fiction, weaved together from interviews with the survivor and anyone involved (including the murderer) as well as testimony from the trials. The book is highly detailed to the level I desire, which only intensifies the effect. I've spent two lunch breaks with teary eyes wallowing in the despair the family experienced and is poignantly captured. I was talking to Steve about how amazing it is and at one point he burst out laughing because I "Leah'd" - a term with many definitions but is frequently referenced when I tell unnecessary details because *I* would want them (the example in question was where I was talking about an investigator and felt the need to explain that he was actually sort of retired and not the *main* investigator but it's still cool that the murderer in this case is also the murderer in the ONLY unsolved homicide he had). I was most moved by a man whose wife and 16-year-old son were both involved in the murders. He describes how it felt to face his dead wife in all her ruined glory and having to come to terms with the fact that the woman he was with for 36 years and was his "partner for life" was gone. Yep. Just gone. No more. The end. Never coming back. Over. And how he had to be strong while each of his other family members mourned after they arrived at the hospital and that he had to close off his heart to the fact that his life partner, who he was JUST talking to before she left to find their son (AND she was frantic with worry at the son not returning home yet and he told her she was overreacting. Think about THAT guilt), was dead forever. I explained to Steve that for me it would be a CONSTANT immediate back-and-forth where I would tell myself that information and then swiftly reject it with an "IMPOSSIBLE NO IT'S NOT TRUE IT'S NOT I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT FUCK YOU IT JUST SIMPLY IS NOT POSSIBLE I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS AND NO TAKE IT BACK." Rinse and repeat.

As a result, I should not have been surprised to have a similar heart-wrenching dream in which I left a church and drove by many crazed velociraptors (naturally) and when I arrived at his office building I KNEW that Steve had been attacked by raptors and I was frantically trying to find out where he was and I went to the hospital to find him and I was screaming for him and I knew he was dead but I couldn't accept it and I knew I would try to take it back when I found his mangled body and I kept willing him to be alive and not hurt. I woke up with my "trying to cry" face on, breathing all heavy and terrified. I immediately rolled over to Steve and cuddled him super hard and could not let go of him for several hours. And of course when I tried to fall back asleep I had to try to force the remnants of the dream away so I could stop trying to manipulate it and fail. My dreams like that go in endless circles as my brain refuses to allow a proper ending. But seriously, when I imagine that he could just *poof* and be gone just like that from my life, I feel exceptionally suffocatey and hyperventilatey and will it never to come to pass (which Steve also includes in my morbid thinking category). He is just the most important person in my life. If I think about it hard enough I want to keep him locked up at home so nothing bad could ever happen to him. Thank god I don't want kids because I'd freak every time they left the driveway. This exact thing is why I HATED the movie Practical Magic - the moment when Sandra Bullock thinks that she and her husband's love will overcome the curse but then there's that stupid cricket or whatever and she tries frantically to catch it but can't and her stupid husband dies anyway. NO. NO.

In other news, I officially applied to grad school for an ABS license, which will be a broad licensure allowing me to teach levels 1 and 2 of EBD, LD, and Autism and I can go back again to get licensed for 3 and 4. I went to the informational meeting and everyone there (prospective students as well as faculty) agreed that the type of license is a great investment and there's been a growing need for me-types.

Steve and I are also doing what we're calling "ghetto week" and seeing who can make the best of of $20 from Friday to Friday. This of course does not really include not spending anything, because it kind of ruins the fun. So we each got a $20 bill to spend on whatever we like for the week and we aren't allowed to spend anything more (excludes gas). It's easily doable, but we're so frivolous with the money we don't put in savings that it's a cute game for us to be frugal. Yes, we admit we are privileged, even with me working a crappy-paying job.

...I loved being a case manager.

There. I said it.

I loved following documentation guidelines and feeling productive, successful, and like I was making a difference. I loved feeling important, and like what I did mattered.

....


What I hated (and eventually drove me away) was the unpredictability of the clientele. I hated that I could have an entire day meticulously planned and it would all go to shit because one (or 4) clients were having crises, meltdowns, or in a sticky situation due to poor decisions or whatever that they felt entitled to have me fix.

I'm not saying my job is intolerable, because it's not. I can do this. But I hate feeling like a glorified babysitter in a negative setting, and I panic when I think about the lead teacher going on bed rest/maternity leave and I'm all by myself. The toddler classroom now has 13 kids to the teacher (when the ratio is supposed to be 7:1) and I'm terrified we'll get licensed for more babies before summer's up and I might get trapped with more than 4 babies. It'd be a nightmare. And I seriously don't like babies.


I may be looking at and potentially applying to basically the exact same job, only with the DD/TBI/etc population. I loved working with Autism and while it's my preferred area, it appears to be a lot of others' as well. Being "special" does not guarantee crisis all the time and certainly doesn't mean entitlement (though I won't say it doesn't exist, I have rarely seen it in the population I have met).

That is all. *sheepish*

If only I wasn't tied to a man who desperately loves his family and friends. I would so, SO teach English overseas. At least for awhile. Probably in South Korea. But if I was alone, I'd be horrendously lonely. Suzi is teaching in Thailand right now, and taught in India prior to that. Jared didn't go with her to India (they hadn't been dating too long at the time that she left, but he DID visit!), but he did for Thailand. Max jelly. I feel like it'd be the easiest way to cheater-get-experience without actually having a degree. JFC I don't want to get another degree. I want experience to mean more.

Also, I finally decided that I need to work toward accepting that I am simply Chibi, and will always be chibi, and will not be skinny and flat. I AM CHIBI AND CHIBI IS CUTE. I love chibi characters so I should also love myself. Steve was all for this idea and told me in no  uncertain terms how attractive he finds me and always has. ;)

But I still need to work on my arms. It's very infuriating that spot training is so difficult, because I NEED not-flabby and fat arms. That's all I want. Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee! Seriously, been doing personal training since August with a fair amount of effort put on the arms, and there has been NO CHANGE to their size. Ugh. Bleh.

I've been having a super busy week, and we're going up north for Steve's niece and nephew's birthday (twins) this weekend. But! I DID take pictures of the apartment, and that is STEP ONE. And step two will be to post them, hopefully tomorrow. I swear I will get this done if it kills me.

Steve and I FINALLY broke in our new bikes! We biked about 5 miles, and while I was a wuss on this one steep hill and now my legs are killing me, overall I think I did well for not having used a bike in YEARS. I love biking! I'm sad that we learn to drive at 16 and drop a super awesome mode of transportation.

It's hard to get used to because my hometown is FLAT and you can get anywhere so fast, but Saint Paul and Oakdale are super goddamn hilly! One second you're zooming down a slope and the next you're crying because you have a mountain to scale. Well, I am, anyway. Steve laughs at me and does it no problem.

We also went out to dinner with my auntie Connie and her new boyfriend David. He seems nice and means well, and opened the car door for her. :DDD He makes Connie happy. Versus her ex-husband, who's a major creepwad but the father of her 17-year-old daughter so he's kinda around, and her long-time sort-of boyfriend Bob who's hilarious because of how serious and angry he is. He's just silly... but not the kind of guy Connie needs. So yay! He also won points for at least sort of recognizing my soot sprites tattoo, and telling me how he borrowed Connie Spirited Away and that she has yet to watch it. I smell a movie night coming on!!! I love her; she's great.

Okay! Time for bed for this girl. Anyone willing to give me a back rub?!

The level of disgust that I feel towards people who cover up sexual abuse crimes is almost immeasurable.

The Catholic church has been hiding their abuse of children for centuries, and this started because the people of the church wanted to ensure that property of men went to the church when they died, not families? The requirement of celibacy came about very early on in the church, because the church wasn't satisfied with the married bishops, etc. passing their land on to their sons. Nothing in the Bible says anything about being celibate as a member of the church, and the apostles had families. So what the fuck, Catholicism?

Many men who become a part of the church start at a very early age, like 14 years old. When they make these decisions to join the church, it's like they're halting their psychosexual development. They're fed all these rules about controlling themselves, when really they're just BEGGING for these... kids, really... to become pedophiles. They're not taught how to understand their bodies and the urges they feel, and they are discouraged from exploring these feelings. All of us know how pleasurable sexual feelings are since we're free to express them. But what about a 20-year-old (or what-have-you) priest who never learned to understand and channel his feelings? He works with children. He feels affectionate towards these children. He feels connected to these children. In effect, he's nearly at the same stage of psychosexual development they are at. Children are trusting, and naive. What better subjects to explore your sexual curiosity with without feeling like you're really breaking the rules?

Let's not forget that it's safe to assume that a large number of these men were ALSO abused as children, and are simply perpetuating what they learned as children themselves. Did it feel wrong, or bad, or uncomfortable when it happened to them? Certainly. Did they learn those behaviors from their abusers? Almost definitely. They first are against the actions, but then learn to accept them. Learn to squash their feelings and accept the fear and pain. It's just a part of life, and surely their priest, their vessel of Jesus, wouldn't do something to them that wasn't okay! And yet... they know it's not something they should be telling people. Because deep down it really hurts. It's scary. It's involving parts of their body that they were taught were private.

I firmly believe that if the Catholic church allowed their priests to have families, that this would happen a lot less. There would still be abusers within the church, but I think the number would be far fewer. Because these men would have been given the chance to grow into their sexuality and express it in a healthy way. Personally I think celibacy itself is appalling, but that's likely here nor there.

I don't think that pedophiles are inherently monsters. I think that they learned a specific way to behave, and found an outlet for their sexuality. I think that that outlet is viewed by the Catholic church as no worse than being sexual with an adult. It's just another form of "sex," in a world where "sex" is forbidden, and is probably considered lesser because they're children, and also because children are less likely to tell. I think that these priests are stuck in the wrong stage of psychosexual development, and they need help in order to correct that. By ignoring claims of abuse (and even pleas for help from the pedophile priests), the church is only exacerbating the problem, and preventing these men from getting the help they desperately need. 

I wish that we could live in a world where a priest could confess his feelings (hopefully it would only be urges, but likely it would be reported abuse) to his leader, and the leader could arrange for counseling, for therapy, to help them work through it. I really think that, especially at the beginning, these men could be helped in controlling those urges. Attraction towards children is likely never to go away, but at least they could understand why they CANNOT do that, and WHY it's so horrifically wrong for them to hurt children, and that what happened to them as kids (likely) is no less wrong. That THEY are victims too. I also wish that the Catholic church would realize how negative the requirement for celibacy really is, and repeal that. The cycle of pain and suffering just has to end, and it has to start somewhere. It has to start with the church facing their mistakes and taking steps to amend for what has been broken.

Just.. UNNNGHFHGHFH